A fine site

2014…so far

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Well, I didn’t mean for it to be this long since I wrote about my drinking.  I’ve had probably close to four bottles of wine and we’re two weeks into January.  Is that a lot?  Things are definitely different now that I’ve given myself license to drink.  My friends know that I’m drinking, and sometimes I feel they care more about it than I do!  Every time I’ve gone out with them, I’ve had a drink.  How much money have I spent so far this year?  

I’ve also had some personal issues at the beginning of the year.  The “guy I’m dating” and I had a few discussions right after the New Year about our future.  Verdict?  Undecided.  I left his house that day, not hurt or upset or crying, but wanting a drink.  Something had happened in my life that society told me I should deal with by getting a bottle of wine.  So…I didn’t really think about it.  I just did it.  

This is why I gave up alcohol for 2013.  I used it as a crutch, to deal with situations I’d rather not face head on, and used it to avoid growth. Now that I’ve given myself license to drink, down the rabbit hole we go…

Some people have said “Just limit yourself to not drinking at home” or “only have a drink or two with friends”.  For me, it’s not as easy as telling myself to do one thing and doing it.  When I’m alone, I’m not accountable to anyone else.  I have to have an “all or nothing” situation.  This is why I quit smoking cold turkey.  This is why I gave up dairy 100%.  This is why I quit drinking.  I know i have a problem, but I don’t want to admit it…I think.  

It’s like giving up anything in life.  You set a pattern for yourself.  You give yourself license to do one thing, or give yourself a reward to do one thing, and the next time that thing comes along, you reward yourself again. 

With wine especially, I reward myself for just getting through a day.  That isn’t how it should be.  You don’t get wine for living life.  

I’d love to hear your thoughts.  How do you deal with repetitive negative patterns in your life?  Do you recognize them right away?  Does someone else have to point them out to you?

Author: confessionsofanonalcoholic

I gave up alcohol for a year in 2013. These are my insights.

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