A fine site

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It’s Not Easy

War Paint, by Fletcher. This is what I have stuck in my head on this Saturday morning in Huntington Beach. I’m filled with thoughts, and some energy, but not enough. I was awakened by a rooster?  A chicken? Something that makes noise around 7am California time. It was probably time to get up though, so it’s for the best.

Anyway, this is the second journal entry I’ve started since getting here. The first one yesterday, was prompted by my anger. And how angry I am, And jealous, and frustrated. Today, I think (think!) I have moved past those feelings. I am just…tired of overthinking my friends don’t want to hang out with me/include me.

I am just done with unhappy thoughts. So for today, I choose easy. What is easy? Ebb and flow around the rocks. It is easy to make the right choice. It is EASY. Easy :) No worries, no stress. I will make it easy.

Today, I choose easy.

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Is this what happy feels like?  Unable to make a decision because you don’t want to disrupt your current apple cart?  Unable to decide: which job to take, to keep playing volleyball, to play more volleyball, to try harder at volleyball, to do more yoga, to do less yoga?  Ok, so the yoga thing, not so much :)  But the rest?  Still a question mark.  Job and volleyball.

I don’t think my current strategy is working for me.  I am not…as happy as I could be.  I eat too much, I weigh too much, I indulge every whim, and financially I am still not working as hard as I could.

I wonder if getting older means you have fewer highs and fewer lows,  Everything levels out, and days feel monotonous.  I feel…blah.  Nothing new and exciting is happening.  I’m ok with that, I guess.  But I want to change.  A big change.

I can’t seem to quiet my mind and come up with a plan of action.  I’m always looking for something to distract myself.  I’m constantly looking to Dave to try and pep me up.  He’s the best thing to happen to me in a while, and I am lucky, but I feel…blah.  LIke…it’s ok to not try anymore because he likes me as I am.  And I am not like that.

Yes, I like who I am, but I want to TRY and dress up, TRY and wear nice clothes, TRY and eat healthier.  I want to TRY.  And I feel like I don’t have to try around him.

Also, I just want to sleep. All the time.  In fact, on Sunday, I slept for 11 hours on my first shot, and then I slept for another two hours after breakfast.  Slept most of the day away. My least active day.

Is this depression?  Or happiness?

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I eat too much and don’t drink enough water. Today is a perfect example.


So when I take pictures of myself and still look like this after five years, I am no longer surprised. I need to sleep more, eat less, move more, and drink more water.


Tomorrow is a two yoga class day. I will do that once or twice a week going forward.

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My 2015 Journey (So Far)

We are well into 2015.  I am pretty sure a bunch of people have already stopped working on their new years resolutions.  I know I have let a few of them go. Like, planking once a day and doing squats every day?  Yeah, I was pretty ambitious.  For the record, here they are:

    1. Lose 50 lbs by December 31st, 2015.
    2. Weigh 185 for Cabo Trip (Lose 20 lbs) by April 11th, 2015
    3. Get down to a 43″ waist by end of January – reward: pedicure (this one will probably not happen, I’m a 47.5″ waist as of this evening on 1/21/2015)
    4. Get down to 40″ waist by end of February – reward: Fitbit scale
    5. Get down to a 38″ waist by end of May – reward: road bike
    6. Go Vegan for three months – May, June, July
    7. Drink more water.
      1. Drink 3 bottles per day for the first quarter.
      2. Drink 4 bottles per day for the second quarter.
      3. Drink 5 bottles per day for the third and fourth quarters.
    8. Live on $800 per paycheck. (I’m actually doing pretty darn good at this one, trying to keep at least $300 in my checking prior to every next pay period).
    9. Meal plan and prepare every week on Sundays unless you’re traveling. (So far fail on this one because I have been skiing).
    10. Do not purchase on impulse. Before purchasing ask “Do I need this or want this?” (I’ve been doing really really good with this one!)
    11. Create and stick to a budget and bill schedule for 2015. – Same here, I’ve been doing really good.
      1. Automatic payment options with scheduled dates money comes out.
    12. Ask this question before consuming any food: “Will it help me lose weight, get healthy, and save money?”
      1. If the answer is yes, do it.
      2. If the answer is no, don’t do it
    13. Plank and squat every day.  Goal: get up to 2 minute plank by end of June.  Goal: get up to 4 minute plank by end of December.
    14. Take a picture per day to help me remember the year.
    15. Spend more time diving into why I am so apprehensive to be insecure around my family.
    16. Food goals:
      1. Drink lemon water every day before breakfast
      2. Create a mindfulness ritual for every morning.  Sun salutations?
    17. Meditate for 30 minutes every day.
    18. Book a yoga retreat.
    19. Improve my sleep efficiency.

Even though I am not starting out 2015 where I want to be body-image/food-eating/planning wise, I am doing really well with budget and finances.  However, my mental state has been suffering.  So far this year I have:

  1. Drank too much alcohol a few weekends due to peer pressure or maybe just peer pressuring myself into drinking
  2. Eating too much chocolate.
  3. Going out to eat too often.
  4. Not doing enough meal prep.
  5. Not drinking enough water.
  6. Trying too many things at once.

I let names of things, and it not being the start of a week to let myself get off track.  I am going to:

  1. Start the Fast Metabolism Diet again next week for the forseeable future.
  2. Do the 24 Day Challenge through Advocare in mid February.
  3. Drink more water every day.
  4. Do not drink coffee.
  5. Do not drink alcohol.
  6. Figure out a new workout plan.  I love yoga, but I don’t know if it’s doing enough for me right now.  I think it may be causing more harm than good.  Right now, I am tired, stressed out, and if I miss a class, I am not in a good mental headspace.

If anyone has more suggestions on what to do, I’m open to anything.

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9.26.2014 – Life now

I am 30 now. It’s going much faster now on this side of the fence.

  • Boys – dating one, moved really fast, say we love each other every day multiple times a day. He misses me and likes me more than I like him in this very moment.
  • Work – great job, busy busy busy, fun, love it, love the money, but feeling disorganized.  Maybe this will resolve in time?
  • Eating Right – doing a really good job, 80% of the time.  The other 20% is sushi, dark chocolate with pomegranates, and popcorn with coconut oil and salt.
  • Working out – fantastic at this one, yoga almost every other day, and volleyball twice a week.  Keeping REALLY active right now.
  • Friends – good for the most part.  Feel like there isn’t enough of me to go around right now.
  • Family – same as friends.  Good, but feel like I need more of me.  Or change my priorities?
  • No alcohol – EXCELLENT!  Sometimes I worry that I am missing out on something watching everyone else get wasted on Friday night . But then I remember the last time I drank, and how tired I have been getting.  And that I’d rather read or write or peruse blogs, or go for a bike ride.
  • Traveling – Europe in two weeks EXACTLY.  CAN NOT Wait.

So many things I want to talk about now, but I am so tired.

Sleep.  Volleyball.  Sleep.  Sleep.  Dry run packing for Europe.  Goodnight moon ;)

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Day 1: 30 day challenge

Day 1 photos: IMAG1134 IMAG1135 IMAG1136 IMAG1137


I love my body for everything it does for me.  But I really dislike how my body looks, especially in the third photo.  I think I can do so many good amazing things for myself, and NOW is the time.  I have everything I ever wanted, including a wonderful man who loves me regardless of my size, a fantastic job that pays me really well, a great family who is always there for me, the best place on earth to live, and wonderful friends who make me laugh.

What’s left is my body.  I will love it and LOVE it hard.  Today is the day.  No excuses.





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