Is this what happy feels like? Unable to make a decision because you don’t want to disrupt your current apple cart? Unable to decide: which job to take, to keep playing volleyball, to play more volleyball, to try harder at volleyball, to do more yoga, to do less yoga? Ok, so the yoga thing, not so much :) But the rest? Still a question mark. Job and volleyball.
I don’t think my current strategy is working for me. I am not…as happy as I could be. I eat too much, I weigh too much, I indulge every whim, and financially I am still not working as hard as I could.
I wonder if getting older means you have fewer highs and fewer lows, Everything levels out, and days feel monotonous. I feel…blah. Nothing new and exciting is happening. I’m ok with that, I guess. But I want to change. A big change.
I can’t seem to quiet my mind and come up with a plan of action. I’m always looking for something to distract myself. I’m constantly looking to Dave to try and pep me up. He’s the best thing to happen to me in a while, and I am lucky, but I feel…blah. LIke…it’s ok to not try anymore because he likes me as I am. And I am not like that.
Yes, I like who I am, but I want to TRY and dress up, TRY and wear nice clothes, TRY and eat healthier. I want to TRY. And I feel like I don’t have to try around him.
Also, I just want to sleep. All the time. In fact, on Sunday, I slept for 11 hours on my first shot, and then I slept for another two hours after breakfast. Slept most of the day away. My least active day.
Is this depression? Or happiness?