I am SUCH a cynic. Why? Why am I such a cynic?
Well, I decided no alcohol in 2016. I’m also on a cleanse. Today is day 1. It’s weird, I thought about breaking my “no alcohol resolution” over the weekend. I thought about it so much, I had to double-check with myself like three times before I remembered that I didn’t ACTUALLY drink alcohol. I just thought about it.
I thought so hard, I almost replaced a memory I had of not drinking with a fake memory of drinking!
It’s like this monkey on your back, you can’t get rid of it. I tried shaking it off, I tried working it off, I tried running it off. Nothing works. Nothing except volleyball. And my body is starting to revolt, and not allow me to play volleyball.
I don’t do well when I think about hard situations. It’s like delving into a cold, swampy lake. I don’t want to go in, so I avoid it and just appreciate the beauty around me instead of the depth of the lake. Maybe that’s not a great analogy because what do you gain from diving into a cold, dark lake? Whereas if I dive into a hard situation, or deal with a situation I’ve been avoiding, you gain things from it. Growth, pushing yourself a bit farther. Something meaningful?
I have been a coward lately. I was going to use the word “chicken-shit” but I’m trying to swear less, and class my act up a bit. I’m just…who I am a lot of the times. And a lot of the times, I don’t like who I am. Last night, I sat depressed on my couch from about 5pm to 11pm watching The Mindy Project, eating take out Pho, and bowls of cereal. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like who I am other times. I do. I do like who I am. I’m just flawed. Aren’t most humans?
But I don’t see most humans. I forgive most people I know for everything, and just consider it “part of who they are”. Why can’t I do that for myself? Why can’t I accept my flaws, forgive myself for mistakes, including this depression I can’t seem to shake each month, and just…accept and live?
This is a weird thing to say, but…I’m afraid of people. I’ve had two incidents lately that have been keeping me in my house. 1 – I was entering the park near my house a few weeks ago. I slowed at the pedestrian crosswalk, and let someone finish walking, then I moved through the intersection. I look both ways. Twice. Always. I used to run through that park a lot when I was training in 2013 for my half-marathon. And this guy, wearing clothes that blend into nature, comes out of nowhere, and slams his hand into the back of my driver’s side window. He could have broken my window. He was expressing his anger because apparently I didn’t see him/almost hit him. Now, here’s the thing. He came out of NOWHERE. He was either next to a tree when I was stopped, and runs SUPER-fast, or he is just a big fat MEANY-pants.
I don’t know how to handle meany-pants. I understand passive aggression. I understand disbelief. I understand shaking it off (that’s what I do). I didn’t know what to do. I was pretty shaken up. I should also tell you, I don’t understand violence. I just…don’t get it. It’s senseless and solves NOTHING.
The second incident happened last weekend. I was running an errand to get gas and some clothing. Someone tried to cut me off from behind getting over into the left lane. He got pretty upset, pulled around me to the right, stopped at a yellow light, flipped me off, got out of his car and started ranting at me. He was a big angry black man. I hate to say black, true as it may be. He was an angry man. He was driving a new model Mazda, with the license plate G Money. If you ever see him, watch out. He’s an aggressive driver, and has no problem pulling over and screaming at you if you cross him.
Both of those things in a short period of time made me wary. Topping it all off by some confrontations by a friend, and my normal emotional depression, spiraled me into a negative place. It may not sound as destructive as other things, but…combined, it all sucked me into a funk.
War Paint, by Fletcher. This is what I have stuck in my head on this Saturday morning in Huntington Beach. I’m filled with thoughts, and some energy, but not enough. I was awakened by a rooster? A chicken? Something that makes noise around 7am California time. It was probably time to get up though, so it’s for the best.
Anyway, this is the second journal entry I’ve started since getting here. The first one yesterday, was prompted by my anger. And how angry I am, And jealous, and frustrated. Today, I think (think!) I have moved past those feelings. I am just…tired of overthinking my friends don’t want to hang out with me/include me.
I am just done with unhappy thoughts. So for today, I choose easy. What is easy? Ebb and flow around the rocks. It is easy to make the right choice. It is EASY. Easy No worries, no stress. I will make it easy.
Today, I choose easy.
I am a perfectionist. I try not to be, but it’s a real struggle. I want to live life like I’m perfect.
Is this what happy feels like? Unable to make a decision because you don’t want to disrupt your current apple cart? Unable to decide: which job to take, to keep playing volleyball, to play more volleyball, to try harder at volleyball, to do more yoga, to do less yoga? Ok, so the yoga thing, not so much But the rest? Still a question mark. Job and volleyball.
I don’t think my current strategy is working for me. I am not…as happy as I could be. I eat too much, I weigh too much, I indulge every whim, and financially I am still not working as hard as I could.
I wonder if getting older means you have fewer highs and fewer lows, Everything levels out, and days feel monotonous. I feel…blah. Nothing new and exciting is happening. I’m ok with that, I guess. But I want to change. A big change.
I can’t seem to quiet my mind and come up with a plan of action. I’m always looking for something to distract myself. I’m constantly looking to Dave to try and pep me up. He’s the best thing to happen to me in a while, and I am lucky, but I feel…blah. LIke…it’s ok to not try anymore because he likes me as I am. And I am not like that.
Yes, I like who I am, but I want to TRY and dress up, TRY and wear nice clothes, TRY and eat healthier. I want to TRY. And I feel like I don’t have to try around him.
Also, I just want to sleep. All the time. In fact, on Sunday, I slept for 11 hours on my first shot, and then I slept for another two hours after breakfast. Slept most of the day away. My least active day.
Is this depression? Or happiness?