A fine site

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I deactivated my Facebook account tonight.  Again.  For the most recent of close to 10+ times. I deleted it a few times recently, the longest for about a month this past April.  It was a good experience.  I have been using Facebook for validation, to post thoughts to people, and to get noticed.  Isn’t that what validation is?  Wanting someone to notice us and confirm that our opinions are worth something? 

I have come to realize I want to be noticed, loved, and be listened to because of something I did, said, or showed to others that doesn’t involve social media.  I want to be called because you miss me, care about me, and want to see me.  Not because a website suggested that we be friends.  Not because a website suggested we know the same people.  Algorithms, code, data, interaction, likes, comments. Isn’t it all just a cry for attention?  If you are one of those people who post to share news, good or bad, life happenings, or just stay in touch, one of those that doesn’t care if you get likes, comments, shares, or more.  How do you not care?  What is your background?  What self-confidence do you have that enables you to not care?  Does everyone care and some show it more than others? 

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“To sweat is to pray, to make an offering of your innermost self. Sweat is holy water, prayer beads, pearls of liquid that release your past. . . . Sweat is an ancient and universal form of self healing, whether done in the gym, the sauna, or the sweatlodge. I do it on the dance floor. The more you dance, the more you sweat. The more you sweat, the more you pray. The more you pray, the closer you come to ecstasy.” – Gabrielle Roth 

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The Value of Time

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who just failed a final exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage laborer who has seven kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who just missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one.  Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

- Unknown

I think the student that failed the final exam could PROBABLY have worked a little harder.  

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4.5.14 – Thoughts and Communication

I want to communicate my thoughts out loud and have people understand what I am saying. But then I give up because I know no matter how eloquent I try to be, I cannot be as eloquent or communicate as well as I can in my head.

So I end up giving up and not saying anything at all.

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Why do people only relate to others if they are both drinking an alcoholic beverage? I don’t understand, and I am really frustrated.

Oh, and I am tipsy/drunk. WHY?! It makes my life SO much harder than it needs to be when I am drinking. Alcohol RUINS everything in my life. My attempts at eating healthy, driving safely, doing anything with any reason.

I cannot. Just cannot. I don’t know. What do I do? I don’t want to drink alcohol. It. Ruins. My. Life. Ruins.

For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to do was be skinny and fit in. Neither of those goals is achieved by drinking. Maybe fitting in, but as awkward as I can be in a public setting, yeah.

Alcohol has no place in my life. When will I stop caring enough about what others think to let it go? It’s been less than three months since the start of 2014 and I drank again.

I know if I post this for friends and people who know me to see, I would get all sorts of encouragement. Maybe people would reassure me that they would love me anyway. But I don’t want to risk it…

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I want a drink.  I really really do.  This week has blown big time.  The last few weeks actually haven’t been that great.  Life has had its ups and downs, but really?!  I KNOW, I do, that others in this world are suffering, are hungry, are dying, are persecuted.  Complaining is a release I need.  Just to say “Hey, this sucks.”

First, I found out last week that a friend has breast cancer.  She’s known for a month.  Our friendship has fallen so far off track that she didn’t even tell me until a month after the fact, and after she decided to have a double mastectomy, about a week before her surgery.  A year ago, I would have been the first person she told.  Today, I was the last one to find out.  We’re not close anymore, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m trying to forgive her for letting our friendship die in the first place, but it’s hard.  Even finding out she has cancer, it’s hard and I’m frustrated.  What am I supposed to do?

On top of all of this, I’m not sleeping very well.  I get maybe five hours a night, and I’m just exhausted.  I get home and think “oh, I’ll go to bed early.”  Do I?  Nope.  I stay up, because the caffeine I drank to stay awake hours earlier is still in my bloodstream.  Even today, I went for a run, two miles and still not tired.  Well, I’m tired, but I’m not sleepy.  Same thing happened last night.

Overall, my issue isn’t really with work.  Granted, I’m frustrated but can fix it.  I’m frustrated with some of my friends. Some of them are great, the rest?  Well, the rest I’m trying to see and hang out with.  But everything else in their life takes precedence.  Mine does too, don’t get me wrong.  But really?  You cannot have coffee with me for a few hours?  I have a LOT OF SHIT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT!  I AM TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!  I NEED SOMEONE!  Argh.

All of this leads to: I don’t believe in Karma.  I think things just happen, and you have to deal with it.  Good, bad, ugly.  I believe in things being fair, and justice for those who do wrong.  That’s why I don’t watch the news.  Because justice hardly ever wins.  I was going to say “never wins” but I don’t think that’s 100% true.

I just…yeah.  This week, this month, so far most of this year hasn’t been that great.


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