A fine site

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4.5.14 – Thoughts and Communication

I want to communicate my thoughts out loud and have people understand what I am saying. But then I give up because I know no matter how eloquent I try to be, I cannot be as eloquent or communicate as well as I can in my head.

So I end up giving up and not saying anything at all.

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Why do people only relate to others if they are both drinking an alcoholic beverage? I don’t understand, and I am really frustrated.

Oh, and I am tipsy/drunk. WHY?! It makes my life SO much harder than it needs to be when I am drinking. Alcohol RUINS everything in my life. My attempts at eating healthy, driving safely, doing anything with any reason.

I cannot. Just cannot. I don’t know. What do I do? I don’t want to drink alcohol. It. Ruins. My. Life. Ruins.

For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to do was be skinny and fit in. Neither of those goals is achieved by drinking. Maybe fitting in, but as awkward as I can be in a public setting, yeah.

Alcohol has no place in my life. When will I stop caring enough about what others think to let it go? It’s been less than three months since the start of 2014 and I drank again.

I know if I post this for friends and people who know me to see, I would get all sorts of encouragement. Maybe people would reassure me that they would love me anyway. But I don’t want to risk it…

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I want a drink.  I really really do.  This week has blown big time.  The last few weeks actually haven’t been that great.  Life has had its ups and downs, but really?!  I KNOW, I do, that others in this world are suffering, are hungry, are dying, are persecuted.  Complaining is a release I need.  Just to say “Hey, this sucks.”

First, I found out last week that a friend has breast cancer.  She’s known for a month.  Our friendship has fallen so far off track that she didn’t even tell me until a month after the fact, and after she decided to have a double mastectomy, about a week before her surgery.  A year ago, I would have been the first person she told.  Today, I was the last one to find out.  We’re not close anymore, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m trying to forgive her for letting our friendship die in the first place, but it’s hard.  Even finding out she has cancer, it’s hard and I’m frustrated.  What am I supposed to do?

On top of all of this, I’m not sleeping very well.  I get maybe five hours a night, and I’m just exhausted.  I get home and think “oh, I’ll go to bed early.”  Do I?  Nope.  I stay up, because the caffeine I drank to stay awake hours earlier is still in my bloodstream.  Even today, I went for a run, two miles and still not tired.  Well, I’m tired, but I’m not sleepy.  Same thing happened last night.

Overall, my issue isn’t really with work.  Granted, I’m frustrated but can fix it.  I’m frustrated with some of my friends. Some of them are great, the rest?  Well, the rest I’m trying to see and hang out with.  But everything else in their life takes precedence.  Mine does too, don’t get me wrong.  But really?  You cannot have coffee with me for a few hours?  I have a LOT OF SHIT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT!  I AM TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!  I NEED SOMEONE!  Argh.

All of this leads to: I don’t believe in Karma.  I think things just happen, and you have to deal with it.  Good, bad, ugly.  I believe in things being fair, and justice for those who do wrong.  That’s why I don’t watch the news.  Because justice hardly ever wins.  I was going to say “never wins” but I don’t think that’s 100% true.

I just…yeah.  This week, this month, so far most of this year hasn’t been that great.

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Conversations and Margaritas

I had a conversation today that made me realize something that’s been brewing for a long time. As much as I tout that I’m an optimistic person, I’m really not (at work).  At least not with 50% of the people I work with.  I am negative, always coming up with the roadblocks to achieving success, and being a negative nelly about resources.  When did I become this person?  When did I stop believing that we could make a big difference in this company?

  • I think it’s the fact that I do not seem to feel rewarded anymore.  That’s issue #1.
  • Issue #2: We don’t ever actually seem to get anything done here.  I haven’t completed a single project that’s gone live and said “THIS IS DONE, HERE!”
  • Issue #3: Nobody praises our work.  Why shouldn’t I tell you something is possible when nobody even seems to care that we’re trying?  Nobody seems to care.  Except me.  And I’m really sick of it.  Working this many hours is just…not worth it.

I love my job, but why should I be optimistic when there’s no reason to believe that we’ll achieve anything?  It’s year 3 of my boss being here.  And we have yet to accomplish one single thing we can be proud of.  That I can be proud of.  I accomplished a ton in the year I was here not reporting to her.

And on Tuesday night, I had two margaritas.  Which I LOVED!  Man, I got really tipsy after them.  It was weird being so light-headed and free.  I loved feeling more relaxed than I had in ages.  However, I don’t like that it took alcohol to relax me that much.  Maybe it’s my friends that help me relax more than the alcohol.  But I love the freeing feeling I get after a drink or two.

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Tired struggles

I recognize this feeling of exhaustion that’s overtaking me.  I need to sleep.  I need to sleep really badly.  Luckily, it is not even 10pm Eastern time right now.  However for dinner?  I inhaled four slices of pizza from Papa John’s.  Good news?  I didn’t drink today.  Bad news?  I drank last night.  And I had two glasses of wine.  And I woke up twice in the middle of the night.  Hence the reason I’m so tired.

I did so well all day resisting temptation.  And then?  My flight into Louisville got cancelled.  I got moved to a flight the next day.  I spent the rest of the evening getting a hotel room, going to the hotel, checking in, getting dinner, talking to my comrades, stranded travelers themselves, and drinking.  And eating fried chicken.  And not drinking enough water.  And waking up hungover and tired and feeling so sick to my stomach I wanted to lay down and sleep.

Why do I continue to do this to myself?  It’s like if I don’t tell anyone I gave up drinking, it doesn’t seem to matter.  My answer?  Go for a one mile run on the treadmill right now.  Then wash my face, finish up some work, and go to bed.  Right now.

Or?  Drink a crapload of water, take off my makeup, do my work, do some pushups and pass out.  I think option #2 is it.  Tomorrow, I will run and swim and relax.  No more drinking.

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In flight

I was due to fly to Louisville today for work.  Denver handles extreme weather quite well!  However, the rest of the country does not.  This means that my connecting flight was cancelled, and I was rerouted through Atlanta.  Luckily, this detour meant an upgrade to first class.  “Great news!” you might think to yourself.  And yes, in most respects, it is fantastic.  I enjoy the larger seats, extra attention, first priority boarding, etc.

While we sat on the tarmac for about 45 minutes, the flight attendants came over and asked us what we wanted for lunch.  “Free lunch?!”  Yes, free lunch.  “How cool!” you think.  Then he asked us what we wanted to drink.  The older gentleman next to me got a glass of white wine.

And here’s where my struggle begins.  After I got home from my last trip, I told myself I would make a new start for myself. I was sick of feeling bloated, ashamed of the choices I made, and how much I drank while I was away.  My clothes weren’t fitting right, my self-esteem was in a terrible place, and overall, I was having a hard time.  I put up another post on my other blog (which is more general “life happenings” than a focused place to talk about alcohol) that was how I felt in the moment.

“How does that relate to your flight today?” you ask.  As the flight attendant was bringing the gentleman his white wine, I started the justification process in my head. “Well, it’s free.  One glass won’t hurt.  Everyone does it.  I can just have one glass to relax.  Wait, I’m not stressed.  Well, it’s a long trip and you don’t know what will happen. Take it now, while you have a chance!  Wait, he’s walking away, GET SOME WINE!”

My thought process went on like this for a solid minute while I debated whether or not to get a glass of wine.  But then I stopped myself.  I took a deep breath.  I remembered the post I had put up on Saturday and how miserable I felt.  I said “Do you want to feel that way again?  Is that what you want from your life?”  I then told myself something I haven’t said in a few weeks: you handle alcohol differently than everyone else.  YOU cannot deal with booze in your life not affecting you negatively.  Something genetically or personality-wise makes it so that you are addicted to this thing that others can have in their life quite easily.

I have to make the decision.  I have to CHOOSE how to handle these situations.  I get to decide how I relax.  I get to decide what I can handle.  Just because I CAN drink doesn’t mean I SHOULD drink.  I cannot let alcohol control me.  Just because it is free doesn’t mean I need to partake.  I choose.  In flight, or in life.

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Stopping the comparison

Today, my goal is to stop the comparison.  Today, I will do my best to not compare myself to others.  I will not dwell on the parties I was not invited to, the weight I did not lose, the friends I am not as close to.  I have all manner of choices in this life.  I choose to be happy today.  


Yesterday was the start of the Chinese new year, and the start of the new year I’m giving myself to make better decisions.  


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